


Swan Dive (Reworking)

by deansomega94



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Baby dies in utero, Battery - Freeform, Bottom Dean for a scene, Dubious Consent, Emotionally hollowed out, M/M, Suicide, Wincest - Freeform, You have major self esteem issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23152474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deansomega94/pseuds/deansomega94
Summary: A letter that Dean receives 6 months after he is cured of being a demon, pushes him over the edge, put he keeps scrambling up. Then after he remembers the last night he saw Y/N before he was captured and regained his humanity. He can’t admit what he did, not even to Sam, Charlie and Castiel. He won’t dishonor her by just letting go of her again. He will stand up proper and ...The title comes from a song on the Dracula 2000 Soundtrack. Called Swan Dive by a band called (hed) P.E.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Reader, Demon Dean Winchester/ Reader, Sam Winchester/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Swan Dive (Reworking)

**Author's Note:**

> ‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️⚠️‼️
> 
> CHILD DIED IN UTERO 
> 
> BATTERY
> 
> ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP 
> 
> SUICIDE
> 
> SELF DESTRUCTIVE STREAK

  
  
  


Dean woke up in a cold sweat, for the third night in a row. Right then he didn’t care if wanting to be a demon and not feel was the coward’s way. He knew they meant well, but they didn’t know how horrible he had been, what he did, and he deserved death. It was bad enough that he forgot her, but what kind of monster doesn’t remember doing something so wrong? Dean got up and went to take a shower, he stopped at the sink in his room and brushed his teeth. He mechanically dried off and dressed. He purposely no longer looked were the mail was placed, so each persons mail was easy to find. Sammy’s smile and his glee was obvious at his idea, and that had pleased Dean enough that he went a long with the idea when they actually but a box out front and registered to receive mail. Sam’s ideas were the sometimes push he needed to get up and get out. He knows that Sammy has asked Cas what is wrong with Dean? Cas can’t know, he can’t bare to see the disgust and condemnation in his face. So, he is careful not to say anything that sounded like a prayer.

Dean turned onto the old abandoned road that was rotten from the edge of the gulch to where it had fallen apart about fifty or sixty years ago. He and Sammy loved when they as children had stopped and had stayed out camping whenever they were in the area and got a free hour to whisper to the gulch and listen to it whisper back. Dean let Sam belief it was the spirits of Indians messing with them, because their land had been stolen by his ancestors. Then, he would tell him the truth. Well, John’s answer to let him believe, let him be a kid just a little longer, was, “I told you to tell him the truth in the next week or I will.” Dean had waited to the night before his father would have broken his Sammy with the way he told him and walked away. Dean shook his head, he had come up here to read the letter, like he had every morning since he opened it. It made what had happened in the end a hundred times worse because she was precognitive and knew how it would end, but it was the only love she had ever known or would ever know, no matter how it would end. He unfolded the worn stationery covered in a misty faerie forest scene. It had come in a lavender envelope, that smelled like lavender and jasmine, just like she always had. He picked it up, saw it was to him, it was auto-send for the date it had arrived, exactly six months after he had been changed back to human. He went to his room to read such a sweet smelling treat in private. He remembered trying to remember a Y/N, he couldn’t. Then a sweet smile on a chubby-cheeked face and big Y/E/C eyes flashed through his mind quickly. He unfolded the sweet smelling paper, totally unaware he was about to kill his will to survive.

_My Dear, Sweet Dean,_

_I hope this finds you adjusting to being returned to humanity.  
  
First, I do not regret one second of the time we spent together. I also know that you don’t believe in your heart that I got mixed up with you, so I could have a child. You didn’t mean that I was so sickeningly gutless and that I hid myself in ugly, baggy clothes because I knew no one would want to be with me. Dressed like I was, enabled me to be spineless, I could even lie to myself about the fact no one wanted me because I was butt ugly, fat, and on the shelf. I am twenty and according to my mother if a woman as plain as I, hasn’t caught a husband by twenty, she isn’t going to._

_When you came in to my uncle’s used bookstore looking for “Grimoire Cùmhnant Fuath Loch Ghleann Finnin.“ Your eyes were the most beautiful sight I’d laid eyes on. For you to compliment that my eyes were shiny and mysterious like the fog that shrouds the Loch on a cloudy night. Was kismet. You helped my Uncle Calum straighten out the storeroom, when it was done, he sent us with his blessing. My mother and married sister were glad someone finally took notice that the girl was shy and found the ugliest clothing in the whole world, if she dressed a little more comely and could actually talk enough for them to see how smart she was, she could catch a husband._

_We had dinner in the only Italian restaurant in Blue Swallow Isle off the Massachusetts shore. The isle had been settled from the early 1700s by Irish Protestants, trying to escape persecution. I had yammered because I was nervous and you jotted down notes, which encouraged me to keep yammering. You told me “That the history could really help...” I filled in, “The Faugh” in the Loch, the Grimoire had originally belonged to the Coven that worshipped it as a version of Murigen, a water goddess and their Patron Goddess. The Coven, kidnapped, or choose the nine. Parents pretended they were honored their daughter was about to be gutted to appease a God other than the one who they came to worship in peace. She required exactly nine virginal tributes. She made sure there was plenty of water to keep the crops and enable the villagers to survive. Then she slept for one hundred years. This time when she woke not only were there no tributes. Her people are gone, so she is locating her own tributes and the village while be struck down with pneumonia, which will decimate it’s numbers. Then she will slumber a hundred years, hopefully those that live will remember it is by her mercy that the village survives at all.” I smiled in chagrin, because I had been boring you for hours.  
_

_”You told me that you had found me fascinating. If I was precognitive like I said, I knew that you were going to kiss me and invite me back to your room. You believed I had a story for my mother and uncle, that involved me licking my wounds at my best friends house. She would back you up.” You wanted to know why I didn’t just tell them I was staying out, after all I was an ancient twenty year old.” I was nervous, but I’d never wanted anything more in all of my life. I made sure Mrs. Affleck didn’t see me or It would be all over that the poor spinster Douglass girl, sullied herself with the outlanders. We were both giggling when we made it inside your room. You kissed me, right where we fell, the first two times we stayed right there, you didn’t want me to have rug burns, so you picked me up, like I weighed nothing and put me on the bed. Nothing could have made my first time more magical. You solved your case, you sent me post cards of all the places I had never been and two birthday cards and a single rose and a single tulip. And two, oft-read, cherished letters. I finally put them in my scrapbook with the cards, flowers and the wrappers from the contraceptive devices you used, so they didn’t fall apart. I was so in love with you. I told you I knew that it wasn’t the same for you and that you could stop when you got bored.  
_

_You finally came back, you were alone and I didn’t think you went anywhere without your soon to be lover. Yes, I knew, but I was just thankful you had given me more than I ever hoped to have. I showed you the isle, we ate at the pub, then went back to your room. You seemed starved for me, which was weird, nobody was ever starved for me. When we made love you were rough, it hurt, but I thought it was because it didn’t hurt the first time. You were rough enough I began to cry, you told me to “shut up you ugly, fat bitch. I never pass up free pussy and mine, was on a fire sale, because nobody was dying to fuck a cow. And, you were ready to slit your throat because I wouldn’t shut the hell up that first night. I was just making sure I was getting some of your desperate pussy.” You turned me over, opened me up and used that side as well. I asked about the fact that you didn’t use a contraceptive device. You laughed and said because you really didn’t care if I got knocked up or not. Because with you being a Knight of Hell, giving birth to the child would kill me, maybe, it wasn’t a given like with a nephilim but you were crazy powerful, so maybe. Then you decided to help me. You beat me to within an inch of my life, tore me, burst my appendix and my spleen. I left the hospital pregnant with our child._

_The only reason I am telling you all of this is because the vision said that you would be human again and hearing how things ended won’t cause you as much distress, if I wait for six months. So, knowing I wouldn’t be able to mail it myself. I went to the mainland and in to the post office. I asked if they could mail it on a certain future date, she said yes. I arranged for it. I went back home. I lived in the shed for the gardener if we could still afford one. My uncle and cousins made it warmer, because a whore like me would not lay her head down in my mother’s home. Most people in the village will not speak to me. I have been shunned without the pomp and circumstance, that used to go with the action. Today, the doctor who I had to see on the mainland, because the Dr. here would not see me, told me that the baby died in utero. He made an appointment at the hospital there to remove our child. I didn’t think anything could harm it, but in one of the follow up surgeries on my liver, the placenta was nipped. It was a slow leak. I might make it to term if I rested, but my mother said I would continue to bring in money and dealing with the shame would help me do penance for my sin. So, I worked. About a week ago, the village midwife said, I was not strong enough to work.  
_

_I went for my checkup on the mainland and when I returned home. I wrote you. To let you know. I love you, the real you, who I will never believe it was just getting what I would’ve given to anyone interested. I cannot and will not be ashamed or sad we shared the first night and survived the second. I only regret that with all my reading I did not know how to help you. I am not strong enough to feel them take our child from my body, even knowing that he has already passed through. I have no family or friends, yes the friend who covered for us the first night, has shunned me. I thought I would have our child and maybe I would take him and see some of the places you sent cards from. Maybe we would find a home in one. Everything and everyone is gone. So, what is one more shame on my family. My life will end by either asphyxiation or broken neck. They will have all gone to the mainland, so I will do it from what used to be my room.  
_

_I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me for being a coward. I love you, I always will. If the Reverend is right our child will be waiting for you. If a television preacher I saw once is right, I will be waiting for you too, if you care. If Sam can learn to accept me, I have already accepted him. You are definitely worth sharing to be with. Burbling again because I am scared.  
_

_Goodbye,  
Y/N_

He had made some phone calls and found out that it was postmarked from Boston the day after she had written it. Then she had gone home, gone up to the room that should have been hers, and secured a rope to her antique bed frame, the other end around her neck and she had jumped. Her neck hadn’t snapped, she had suffocated to death. Dean sat there on Baby’s hood and cried for a while. He had begun to fall for her, he didn’t send post cards or write letters. If he does that is “I am after more than your ass” in Deanspeak and then he had forgotten her. How do you forget someone who needed you so badly? He would have brought her to the bunker, Sam would have tried to get together the understanding needed to accept her, but if he couldn’t, Sam would make her feel loved and at home and she could have helped with research. She would have them all adding to their workout regimen with her cooking. He couldn’t remember kicking her, but he remembered she had made him a burger, with bacon and fresh cheese, on an onion roll she had made herself. God, he was a pig! Sam deserved better too! Dean put the letter back in the envelope and he went to get a special meal made for Sam and lots of candles and whatever wine “Sebastian’s” in Superior, Nebraska recommended. He would make sure that Cas, etc. stayed away. He and his a Baby Boy were going to have a wonderful night to make up for everything.

He booted out Sam, Charlie and Cas and cleaned the dining area first, then their bedroom, then he set the table. It was three forty-five, he had to drive to Superior and back which would take at least two and a half hours, then shower and put on his nice suit, not one of the fed ones, but the expensive one he owned for special occasions, then light the candles, get the food onto their fancy plates that Charlie had bought for their first anniversary. He had even found one of the books on Sam’s list of dream books. He had put a bow around it. He would lean against the wall with the book instead of a flower. He had told Sam to come home showered and dressed at eight. So, he drove to Superior and picked up the food and those silver plate cover things and a bottle of the wine. He had stopped by a clothing store and bought a special treat for Sam.

Dean showered, got dressed, set dinner up complete with wine he had been told to let breathe. He leaned up against the door frame with the book when he heard Sam coming down the stairs. Sam stopped on the second step and drank in the perfection that was De in a suit. When Dean smiled his cocky smile, Sam licked his lips and walked over and tried his best to swallow his brother whole. When they were both out of breath he looked at the book. He glowed with happiness and kissed him again. He sat Dean down then he poured the wine, before sitting and pouring for himself. Sam took the lids off, he gasped in surprise, he seldom ate meat but he always did if it came from, “Sebastian’s”. They both had steak, loaded, whipped baked potatoes, asparagus, baked spice apples, a gigantic roll and seasoned butter to go with it. For desert they would be having apple tarts with French vanilla ice cream and coffee.

”What’s the occasion?” Sam was curious. And Dean seemed more Dean than he had for the last almost week.

”Just wanted to apologize for how I have been the last few days. I found out someone I knew while you were away at school, died. It threw me for a loop, they were killed by familial neglect when they needed help. It took awhile for his wife to realize I was out here. She did what she could but she needed help and they refused.” Dean cleared his throat. “So what do you think of the wine? I’ve never had Pinot Noir, it is a little woodsy and dry to me.”

Sam let it go. He was working through it, but if Sam pushed, Dean would close down. “I like the Pinot Noir, but I would have liked a Burgundy or French Apple Wine, just as much. The steak just melts in your mouth.” Sam licked his lips and Dean swallowed hard.

They finished eating. He blocked Sam from going to do the dishes. He turned him to their room. Sam opened the door and gaped. “Who are you? What have you done with my boyfriend?” Dean just pushed him in and closed and locked the door. He undid his tie.

”I’m better in bed and I know to let the wine breathe.” Dean said as he took the tie and flung it towards the closet. Sam laughed.

”There he is. I am so glad he’s back. That other guy might have thought he was better in bed, but that is not possible.” He leaned in and kissed Dean deep and hungry. They both moaned. Dean had his shoes and socks off. He reached over and started kissing Sam, while undoing his shirt buttons. Sam turned around so he could undress himself.

Dean finished with his shirt and pants. Sam turned back around and froze.

”Do you like the surprise Baby Boy?” Dean started to wonder. Sam just licked his lips and stared at the red satin thong, filled with Dean.

”I love it! Sam stepped forward and touched the front of the thong, he caressed it. He loved how the satin smoothed over the bulk that was all his brother. Dean gasped, he wasn’t expecting the satin to increase the sensations. He couldn’t help it, he bucked towards Sam’s hand. “Does my, Big Brother, like how that feels?

Dean moaned yes. Sam slowly rolled the piece of red satin down and his hard cock, sprung out of it. “I think we should leave it like that. When I open you up, make sure you hold. Then when I slam into you, you may come all over it.”

”Yes, sir.” Dean wanted this to be for Sam, but if this is what Sam wanted, then that would work too.

Sam had Dean lay on the edge of the bed, with his legs pulled up, he caught the tip inside the thong so his come would land on them. He moaned Sam’s name as Sam’s tongue laved his hole, then he got the lube and covered his fingers. He pressed the tip of his pinky in and out and leaned up to kiss Dean. Then he laved with his tongue a little, then he put two fingers in Dean’s hole, he moved them in and out, then he added one more and Dean’s hole started to twitch. Sam kissed it and then he lined himself up and shoved himself in all the way to the hilt. Sam pulled a leg around his waist and the other over his shoulder. Then Sam let himself off his leash. He pummeled Dean, so quickly he was a blur. Dean groaned his name and thrashed his head back and forth. Sam hit his sweet spot and Dean keened and moaned, then shouted Sam’s name. Sam lost his rhythm and thrust in hard twice coming into Dean until his hole leaked come. He gave Dean permission to come. Dean made sure he would come on the thong. Sam took a picture just of Dean’s softening dick sitting in his come on top of the red satin. Sam told him to take them off.

”I will give them back when I am done, then you can wear them after washing them.” He smiled wickedly.

Dean had Sam turn over and he poured sandalwood scented oil in his hands. He rubbed his hands together to warm it up. Then he worked all the tension out of Sam’s shoulder, then he moved to the other shoulder, he lick down Sam’s spine as he massaged his shoulder. Sam moaned. Dean laughed. He moved down and started massaging down his back. As the massage went on, Sam relaxed all but one very large, very hard body part. Dean made sure his eyes were closed, he nudged him over. He stuck up like a flagpole. Dean put his mouth over Sam’s cock, letting his mouth’s warmth start the process. When he reached the base, he closed his lips, sucked in his cheeks creating suction. Dean swizzled back up when he could no longer deny he needed air. “I want you to fuck my throat, Baby Brother.” He stroked the length and watched his brother’s eyes roll. “Don’t hold back. If I need air or it is too much I will tap your thigh three times. Say ‘I understand, if you understand’” Dean let go of Sam. Sam sighed.

“I understand.”

Dean took Sam in until he hit the back of his throat, then he held onto his brother’s hips. Sam buried his hands in his big brother’s short hair, holding his head in place and began to thrust into Dean’s throat, hard and fast. He looked down at the sight of him fucking his brother’s mouth and growled with arousal. His hazel eyes locked with his brother’s green ones, neither one looking away, even when Sam’s thrusts became erratic. Sam thrust forward hard, gagging Dean but Dean held him tight, holding his gaze. Sam shouted, “Fuck!” as he emptied himself deep inside his brother’s throat. He pulled out and pushed Dean back on the bed, straddling him and licking his leavings off his big brother’s face.

Dean rolled them until he was on top. He threaded his fingers through his brother’s hand, then repeated the action until he was holding Sam’s hands in his and then he pushed them over Sam’s head. Dean ground his erection against his brother’s thigh and leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was tender at first and grew more passionate as Dean tried to pour all the years of denying their love into the kiss, only pulling away when they both needed air. Dean smiled the first genuine smile Sam had seen on his face in years. Sam couldn’t help but return the smile. He reluctantly let Sam have his hands when he tugged them free. Sam laid there under his big brother and thought about how he had found his new favorite place to be. Dean leaned over and reached into his night stand drawer. Dean sat up with a tube of lube in his hand and wiggled his eyebrows mischievously. Sam laughed, then Sam leaned up, put his arms around Dean and kissed him. When Dean was caught up in the kiss he rolled them over so that he was on top. Dean just laughed and raised his hands in surrender. Dean ran his hands through his baby brother’s long hair, tugging a little bit. Sam moaned at the sensation.

“You are here in bed with me, so, I am in a perfect body place, which elevates the head space. You are not getting out of this bed without us both getting what we want.” To emphasize his point, Sam stroked and gently fondled Dean’s balls until Dean was a mess. “My turn.”

When he had Dean securely on the bottom. Sam ran his hands down the freckle-covered muscles, watching as Dean closed his eyes and his breathing quickened. Sam replaced his hands with his mouth, placing open mouth kisses down his brother’s torso. He rolled his eyes up to look at Dean when he stroked his brother’s cock. When Dean’s lust-blown, hooded eyes locked with his, Sam took Dean in his mouth, licking his way down until the head hit the back of his throat. He sucked in air until his cheeks hollowed and slowly slid his mouth back up. Dean’s head hit the pillow and he growled. Sam smiled and started swizzling back down. He swizzled up and down his length until Dean was making incoherent noises. When Dean moaned and his body tensed, Sam took him into his throat as far as he could and groaned when he felt hot stripes of cum sliding down his throat. He made sure to swallow it all and clean him up before pulling Dean’s cock out with a loud pop. He waited until Dean could open his eyes and answer coherently. When Dean’s eyes were open and focused he let Dean see him open the lube.

“Are you sure you want this? You have been off and disappearing all week.” Sam asked just to make sure. He didn’t want to go there when Dean wasn’t really present, he could end up hurting Dean. He knew not being in control was hard for his brother. Which is why he was in charge on hunts and Sam was in charge in the bedroom/shower, sex part of their lives.

“Sam, I am hardly some blushing virgin who is going to faint at the site of your manhood.” Dean was teasing but then he saw that Sam was genuinely worried. “Sam, I have wanted to be with you since you hit puberty. First, not only was it horrible to think of my brother that way, but I was depraved to think of my 13 year old brother that way. So, I waited until you were legal and was about to tell you how I felt when you left for Stanford. I wanted to tell you a thousand times since then, but I would rather have you in my life as my brother than risk you being disgusted with me and you walking away.” He kissed his little brother. “Now, after a little time as a Demon. I get to have you. I love you.” Dean threw his head back on the pillow dramatically. “Take me now. Please ravish me. I hunger for your touch.”

Sam shook his head, but couldn’t stop the laughter from sneaking out. “You are a dork. A gorgeous.” He squeezed lube onto his fingers and pulled his brother’s legs open. “Incredibly hot dork. Sam opened Dean’s legs again and used his shoulders to keep them open. Dean chuckled. Sam smiled wickedly and slid his middle finger into his brother’s puckered opening. His pupils growing with lust at the whimpering moan Dean made. “And I have every intention of ravishing you.” He finished as he pushed the finger in deeper and then slid it almost out before sliding it back in. When he saw Dean watching him with hooded, lust blown eyes, he slid in another finger. Dean hissed and bit his bottom lip. Sam stopped to give Dean time to adjust and then he began moving his fingers in and out, occasionally scissoring them to open his brother up, so he would be able to handle Sam’s long, wide cock without it harming him. Sam added a third finger and Dean let out a shout of his name.

When Sam could no longer wait, he squeezed lube onto his cock, closing his eyes as he coated himself with lube. He helped Dean up onto all fours. “Are you ready, Dean?” His brother slitted his eyes open and whispered. “Yes.” Sam switched positions so he was between his brother’s legs, Sam pushed one of Dean’s legs out further opening up his ass more. He kissed the inside of Dean’s thigh, as he pushed the other leg out a bit. He had Dean slide his chest out flat across the bed and push his ass up higher. He got a pillow and put it under Dean to help him hold position. Sam ran his cock across his brother’s hole a few times, moaning at the feel of being able to rub his cock back and forth across his brother’s hole, and Dean wanted him there, was moaning for him. Sam pressed the tip against the puckered, pink hole until it pushed into his brother. Dean squirmed a little. Sam stopped and looked at his big brother. Dean swallowed hard.

“I’m good. It is still always a shock at first, how huge you feel. Please, don’t stop.”

Taking his brother at his word, Sam pushed himself in, pausing every little bit to drive Dean crazy. Eventually his balls were flush with his brother’s ass. Sam closed his eyes and savored the feeling of being deep inside Dean.

“You ready?”

“Yes.” He clinched hard. “Stop teasing me. Please.” They both laughed.

Sam opened his eyes and ran his tongue down Dean’s spine.He balanced himself and pulled out a little bit than slammed his hips forward. “Don’t hold back, Baby Brother, I told you I’m fine, please just fuck me.” Sam set a fast, hard pace. Slamming into his brother’s hole hard enough to bang the headboard against the wall. Dean muttered obscenities all jumbled together. He kept kissing wherever he could reach. Sam shifted slightly so every few thrusts stroked his brother’s prostate, biting his lip at Dean’s wordless shouts. He leaned forward, balanced on one hand and flicked one of Dean’s nipples with his free hand and then the other. When Dean started thrashing his head back and forth on the pillow, Sam squeezed the hardened nubs. Sam began to thrust faster and more erratically, he knew he was close, so he took a hand and stroked his brother’s stiff cock. Dean’s eyes flew open when he did that and Sam smirked when Dean pushed his hand out of the way and started stroking himself. “I’m close.” Sam managed through gritted teeth.

“Me too.” Dean started moving his hand more firmly and faster. Groaning at the mounting tension. He grunted loudly and his cum landed in streaks across his abdomen and the bed. He ran his fingers through the wetness on his abdomen and slipped them into Sam’s mouth. When Sam tasted his brother on his tongue, he gave one deep, hard thrust, his balls went in and Sam filled his brother up, moaning when Dean squeezed him reflexively. Sam slowly pulled out of his brother and fell to the bed beside him. Dean took more of his leavings onto his fingers and lifted them to his brother’s mouth, groaning when Sam sucked them in and cleaned them off. When they were clean Sam leaned over and licked Dean’s belly clean, smirking at Dean’s moans.

“You okay, Dean?” Sam asked as he leaned up so he could see his brother’s face. For an answer, Dean leaned up and caught his brother’s mouth in a deep kiss. Sam kissed him back, licking the remnants of his own taste from his brother’s mouth. Finally, they broke apart for air and Sam grabbed a discarded shirt and cleaned them both up. Then he laid down and cuddled up to Dean. Dean ran his fingers through his brother’s hair, savoring the feeling of him laying this close. He took a deep breath and sighed with happiness when the smell of Sam’s cologne, sweat and shampoo filled his nose. Dean felt relaxed from head to toe for the first time in a long time. He wiped at his eyes when he felt moisture running down his cheeks.

“Dean? Are you okay” Sam leaned up where he could see his brother better. “Did I hurt you?” His brow crinkled with concern.

“I am better than I think I have been since I was four.” He continued to wipe tears away. “These are tears of joy or relief, maybe both. I had made myself deal with the fact I was never going to have this.” He touched his brother’s cheek. “Yes, I know this is a chick-flick moment and I don’t do those. But I finally feel like something I really wanted to happen finally did, for like the first time ever. And it was a million times better than I ever thought it would be.” Sam cuddled back into his big brother. After my time as Dean, Knight of Hell and the things that happened and dealing with them randomly coming back. I realize how much I don’t deserve you or the pleasure I find here. Right here, in this place, everything seems perfect.”

“I feel the same way. Even if something keeps us from this happening on a regular basis, I finally got to be with you. I thought you were too phobic of the word, to ever let us grow.” He sighed contented and leaned in to kiss his brother’s chest. “Did you imagine it with me, um...pitching?”

“Yes.” Dean laughed when Sam reared up so he could see his face. Dean laughed at the shocked expression on Sam’s face. “I loved taking care of you, don’t for one second think I didn’t. But I took care of Mom, when it was just me. Then the fire happened and I was a four year old raising a baby and taking care of my drunk father. I had to be strong and in control or just one little slip up could end our family. And when I first realized how I felt about you, I thought it would be nice if you took control for just this little while and I would still take care of everything else.” He went back to stroking Sam’s hair when he snuggled back in. “I know you are the only person I could give control to. I’ve never tried to be submissive with the women I pick up, because I can’t let go of the controls with them, I always feel like I need to control things so, I can protect them if need be. I knew that if we were together this way, I could let you be in control and you would never let something hurt us when I am too vulnerable to do anything to save us.”

“I know I have said it before, but the weight on your shoulders when we were growing up was not okay.” Sam sighed and kissed Dean’s chest again. “Now a lot of our lives makes more sense to me. You are always the one stepping in the mess we are trying to clean up, because you can’t, not won’t, but can’t let anyone else go first. You can’t let someone else be the sacrifice.” Sam leaned up again. “Dean you have to finally trust me. If you can trust me to shove the parts of my body that I just shoved, where I just shoved them, then you still believe I will not let us die If danger came through that door.” He put his hand on his brother’s chin and turned his face so he could look in his eyes. “Because Dean if you don’t start letting someone else take some of the load you are going to end up eating your gun. The spark in your eyes has been flickering for years.” Sam leaned in and kissed Dean. Then looked back into his watery, forest green eyes. “I can’t lose you now. Not when we finally made it here. Don’t let things I said or did in ignorance and anger over the years make you think that I am not here for you, all the way, because I am. I always will be.” He wiped a tear away as it made its way down his brother’s war-worn face. “There ain’t no me, if there ain’t no you.” He smiled and kissed Dean. Dean deepened the kiss, trying to pour how much he loved Sam into it. When they broke apart, they both were breathing heavily.

“Enough with the chick-flick.” When Sam sighed heavily, Dean continued. “I do trust you like that. I haven’t always and we don’t need to go back there. But now, I do trust the man you are to carry part of the load and I will work on letting you. Because you are right, I have just been going through the motions for a long time now. Without this right here, I don’t know how much I had left. We have been at war of some kind or another for years and we keep losing people.” He caressed his brother’s cheek and gave him a soft kiss. “I am willing to do whatever it takes to not screw this up.” Sam kissed his brother gently.

“I love you, Dean.”

Dean smiled and said. “You are a chick-flick moment.” When Sam started to pull away he pulled him back and kissed him softly. “I love you, Sam.”

Sam sighed contentedly and reached over to turn out the light. Then he snuggled up to his big brother and smiled when realized he was the big spoon. Within minutes they were both asleep.

A whole month went by. Dean was floating on Cloud Nine. Sam wasn't making a thing out of him, letting Sam be in charge period, while he recharged his batteries. Sam was the husband and for the first time ever he was okay being the wife. He spruced up the bunker, got the special lights that people with S. A. D. used to help stabilize their mood. He sold off a couple of the vintage cars after he got them working, and he bought new furniture, for everywhere, so the 1950s feel was gone. They would pick a room and update the paint. When they had a weekend, Sam, Cas and Charlie had helped him build cabinets for the kitchen and a kitchen table. He updated the appliances. Dean was letting other people be in charge and he actually slept at nights.

He felt guilty one morning when he was cooking breakfast and after figuring on it, he realized he hadn’t had the dream of her. He pinched bruises across his chest, the pain was in her name, each time he felt it, he would tell her he was sorry and would never let himself forget again. Charlie came downstairs with the mail. She said a box had come for him.

”Thanks, Char-Char.” He teased. She stuck her tongue out. He grabbed her and hugged her. “I wish sometimes that I did it for you. I think I have a crush.” Dean said with a pitiful look on his face.

”Dean, I am flattered, but if I did switch teams for a day” She shuddered at the thought. “You couldn’t handle me. You’d want more, everyone always does. I wouldn’t want to break my big brother.” She kissed his lips for just a little longer than normal, when she backed away, he reached for her. “See?” She started out. “I’ll put your package on your bed.” She walked out, chuckling. Dean let his head wonder at the fantasy of some evil creature coming after them, they get away, but the venom from its sting can only be cured by spending 24 hours in bed having sex with a gay person of the opposite sex. So, Charlie valiantly sacrificed herself to save Dean. Dean was fairly certain that Charlie was him before everything changed, but female. She never brought them home, yet she stayed out late or all night three or four nights of the week. Dean had learned that there are lesbian bimbos, just like their straight counterpart. Their last hunt she had spent the night with a Misty, when they showed up at breakfast the next morning, he realized that Misty might be a lesbian, but she was definitely a bimbo, with the fake mole, bottle blonde hair, tight clothes and cheap, over applied makeup. She sounded like a southern-fried chipmunk when she chattered about ten different non-important subjects like how they get the cheese flavors into the tiny little crackers.

Sam, Charlie and he enjoyed pancakes, bacon and eggs. Or he and Charlie enjoyed them, Sam had a bowl of what looked like dried mini turds in milk and some bacon. They cleaned the dishes he picked up the box, he froze when he saw where it was from. No future date delivery. It couldn’t be her, yet it was her address. He sat down and opened the box. Inside was a photo album she had used as her scrapbook. He opened it and was hit with her smell, then pictures of her school awards, her teaching certificate which her mother wouldn’t let her use because that said to any potential husband she was off the market and had gotten a spinster job, so she could get her own flat and start adding cats. She had celebrated by herself, with wine she’d bought on the mainland. Then the post cards in order by date, with a carefully copied note side, that was cut to the size of the post cards. Then the silver rose and the purple tulip, they had been partially dried then pressed into the book were they had finished drying. There was a self taken photo of her looking shocked and holding a positive pregnancy test, of her face after her mother had kicked her out. The ultrasound photos. The last one, were he was gone, she had written in a steady hand: _Samuel Dean Winchester b. Oct. 24, 2015 - d. Oct. 24, 2015 “ Sometimes it is a blessing that God doesn’t let a babe know how cruel this world is.”_ She had written on the side. If you read this Reverend Muir and you decide that an innocent babe can be buried in the cemetery. I have stapled to the book, money for the tombstone and the burial. I did not steal it, I saved my salary from the bookstore, after I gave Mam half for my keep. I bought cheap, unappealing clothing because I am shy and overweight, so why spend a lot for clothing. I was going to save until I could go to the mainland and get a job somewhere in the Southwest. Maybe even be allowed to able to teach, because, I will not be a burden to anyone because I was not married, so my doing a spinster’s job, would not have mattered. I understand I can not be buried in the consecrated ground. I am just asking for my son. Thank you for always being kind to me Rev. Muir. There was a picture added to the book of a small grave stone in the cemetery and lying next to him was a grave stone that said _Y/F/N, Y/L/N, b. Nov. 17, 1994 - Oct. 25, 2015_ . There was a short note from the Rev. A. M. Muir. “Most of what Mrs. Y/L/N did to her daughter was outside of church tenets. “I believe that this child was badgered until the joy left life for her. You, Mr. Winchester, gave the poor girl the only happiness she had in this life besides the four years her father lived, during it. His one joy in life had been his daughter, who he adored. He was a thatcher or roofer, he was working in icy weather trying to get money to take her to the mainland to see the zoo. He slipped and fell. His wife blamed her for the rest of her days. But he had talked to a friend. The friend said that her mother had constantly been criticizing how much she weighed. When she was maybe twenty pounds, a weekly cardio workout everyday would have taken that a way. But because the badgering came from everywhere, she got more overweight, self-soothing. In the end she was 43 pounds out of her weight range. If everyone had not given up on her and in the end shunned her. I did not. I would go see her when that bitter harpy was away. God forgive me, for thinking and calling her such. She loved you. I believe after the letters that were not mine were read, that you loved her. She believe something dark had a hold on you. We prayed together for your salvation. In short, the sheriff decided that the poor girl would still be alive. Maybe, things would have turned out differently. I am sorry for your loss.” The Reverend had enclosed the newspaper clippings of her death, autopsy and burial. Dean grunted against the pain. He traced his fingers over the pictures their faces. He was in love with her, why didn’t he ask her to marry him, he even had the ring? If he had maybe he wouldn’t have gone after Metatron, who knows. Dean put everything back in the box, including his letter. He wrote Sam a note.

_Sam,_

_I fucking think these things are something that only women and wusses should leave. I will never get over how strong you are mentally. You did freaky stuff when you were soulless and when you remember a new one, you verify, see if you can help, if not, you put it away. When something I did comes back to me, I implode. This was more than I can navigate through. Innocent girl, who I was going to ask to marry me, when Metatron was history, but it didn’t happen and Demon Dean went to destroy her and he succeeded. Yeah, he had help from her mother and the village. I forgot her. What kind of sleaze ball forgets the girl he wanted to marry? Any way, the lame, trite, I’m sorry is the only thing I can think of. I loved you from the minute I found out you were growing inside Mom, she called you, “MyBaby”. I am not me, I feel empty and it hurts so much. No matter how much pain I cause myself, this one I can never atone for. I love you!_

_Dean_

Dean put the letter in an envelope and propped it against the box. Then he grabbed his gun and put on his jacket and left the bunker. He drove to the Whispering Gulch. Just sat there and listened to “Enter Sandman” one last time. Looked at the majesty of nature. Then he put his gun up to his forehead and pulled the trigger.

  
_Epilogue._

Dean pulled up to a little clapboard house. There were outdoor toys all over. He looked through the window. She was sitting at the table helping two identical little girls with construction paper make a scene from their favorite Seuss book. Jia liked “The Lorax” and Mia liked “Horton Hears A Who” They lit up like Christmas trees, all three of them. He hugged them all tightly. As they babbled a storm blew in. He asked the girls to just get the toys. They did and he got the rest of the groceries. Lil’ D as they had finally ended up calling him. Walked in and got his sisters washed up for dinner and settled.

She got up, her belly was full of baby. She waddled some, but she looked beautiful and the huge smile, said she was happy. “Hi, my loving man!” She smiled as she tiptoed to put her arms around him. Dean kissed her in away that had the children laughing.

“How was school today?” Dean asked. She taught Kindergarten because she wanted to be there when the kids got home.

”We did “L” today and the kids are saying Library, Lavatory, Limo, then I get my first weird one. “Limbo”, “Lamia”, “Liderc”. I asked them where did they get those words from? They answer me, “On tv and in books, Mrs. W.” “Freaky!”

”That had to be a Gabriel joke!” When he put on instrumental music, Dean washed his hands good and she put the food on the table. When he sat down, he said grace, then they dug in. They smiled at each other. “It was good to finally be home.”

Sam, Charlie and Cas stood under a gigantic umbrella as the sullen, grey sky dumped rain on them. The stone had set and Sam wanted to see it in place, because then he would never lay eyes on this place that broke a young girl and destroyed his already broken brother. They left him the umbrella and he listen to the rain and saw his brother laughing as they dug in the mud, to burn bones, but they both kept falling. He had laughed so much that it made Sam laugh too. It was before The Apocalypse or Soulless him, back when he was obnoxious, irreverent, cocky and the best man he had ever known. Then all the loss and the constant strife had dried him up. The wind of knowing he killed a young girl when he had let go enough to love which put her in the crossfire, had taken the hollowed out husk and blown him away. Sam squatted and ran his fingers over the writing in the black marble that would suit the Rocker in him. Dean Patrick Winchester b. 1/24/79 - d. 7/30/16. Beloved Brother and Friend, Atlas Never Shrugged. “I love you, you jerk. Why couldn't you shrug, just this once and asked for help to shoulder this? Don’t worry, I will not try to follow, we stole what we had, this is penance. I will live whatever life I can, no more hunting. Maybe a wife or husband still shaky on that, kids. When we meet in Heaven, you can introduce her to me.” Sam kissed his fingers and pressed them to the stone. Then he walked quickly back to the car.

**Author's Note:**

> Mind has been some really dark places lately. It is hard to have four different conditions that are terminal and none of them are affecting you that way. It makes getting up and doing hard. I needed to get this out, it’s been festering for a little while now. Be careful, take care, ask for help and Always Keep Fighting.💜
> 
> I had Sam eat steak cooked well, because of a special occasion. I have never found proof he is a veggiesaurus.


End file.
